Hidden Toxicity in Friendship - Part 1: Primed as Prey

Prologue

I think one of the things that being a Christian in this era or age of the Church prepared me for, unfortunately, was a toxic friendship. There are (or at least there were) very poor standards in what is currently considered "traditional" Catholic instruction, and one of the areas it failed me was in understanding the vital importance of having discernment in friendship. While there was a big emphasis on dogma, Tradition, Scripture, the Sacraments, etc., there was almost nothing to do with the intersect of the teachings of faith and interpersonal relationships (at least on the Catholic side of things). Growing up, there was little instruction outside of "love thy neighbor as thyself," and even that was horrendously lacking in terms of explanation of what that meant.

And for someone like me who, in many ways, was formed and molded outside of the Catholic Church (I was reared in a Southern Baptist school from pre-k all the way through high school), I feel I was, in a sense, indoctrinated into believing that to be truly Christian and "love thy neighbor", you could not reject anyone. Furthermore, being a kid who often felt rejected myself --by members of my own family, by friends and social groups, by myself--I developed a subconscious rule by which I lived my life: an internal credo for myself that I would never, ever let anyone feel rejected by me. See, I knew the pain of that feeling. I'd lived it, and I really hated the idea of potentially causing that pain in another human being.

But to believe we're all God's children and all have a right to dignity is one thing, while allowing people access to your life is another altogether. Everyone "deserves" and has a right to dignity by virtue of being made in the image of God. Not everyone deserves or has a right to have access to you at any point --nor can anyone require that of you to maintain a relationship, especially a friendship.

I wish someone had told me that quite bluntly.

Two individuals in hazmat suits facing each other

For a very long period of time, I didn't know what toxicity was. From reading or listening to other people's experiences, this seems to be a common theme among people who find themselves in positions similar to the one I found myself in. Nobody had taught me what the warning signs were for toxicity in friendship, I had no concept of a "red flag" at all. I believed everyone was ultimately good --even if they were cocooned in layers and layers and layers of bad or off-putting qualities. They just needed to be loved out of it and forgiven for their shortcomings. After all, I had accurately concluded that that was what I needed in my own life to heal a heart broken by rejection and loneliness: more love. Why should anyone else be different?

Unfortunately, I also believed (and still believe to an extent) that with limitless forgiveness comes limitless access and reentry into one's life. My life became a revolving door for at least one individual (almost certainly more than just this one) who saw the opportunity to abuse my lack of experience and innocence to benefit himself (more on him as we go deeper). Within that, I got caught in a cycle of abuse I really didn't have the tools to even identify. I think a majority of my journey so far can be summed up in these three words: I didn't know.

I didn't know what toxicity in friendship was, so I didn't know what to look out for. I didn't know what to look out for, therefore I didn't know when I came face to face with a predator. I didn't know I was being preyed upon, so I kept trying to fix it and kept giving him access instead of establishing boundaries. I didn't know that the more access I gave him, the more I was giving myself away. I didn't know I was giving myself away, so I completely lost sense of my sense of self and my reality. I didn't know I had lost my sense of reality and so I didn't know I could trust myself. I didn't know I could trust myself, so I kept turning to my predator to save me and help me when that was never his objective to begin with.

I think my greatest hope for this series of posts --however long it becomes-- is to teach someone else who may find themselves nearly entering a toxic friendship how to recognize the signs and to tell them, very firmly: if you see these things --run.

My second greatest hope is to appeal to any of the religious teachers and leaders --especially those in my beloved Catholic faith-- to join me in placing more emphasis on how to recognize healthy relationships and --more to the particular point I'm making-- to bring clarity to the Church's teachings on where we as Christians ought to be comfortable drawing boundaries without fearing our salvation is at risk because we're not "loving our neighbor" enough.

The story I have to tell to get all these things across will not be an easy one. It spans over a decade of my life, much of which I have trouble recalling due to the trauma of everything that happened to me. As with anything else on this site or on the podcast, we'll trust the process and see where it leads us, but if I could leave you with this first tip or clue into what to run away from, it's this:

Trust your gut. If something feels "off," or something makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to that feeling. Lean into it and let it teach you whether the situation is something you need to avoid or not. God often works through our senses and feelings to help us either get to our final destination or through a situation we've gotten ourselves into. So if you're having a conversation with someone, and something just seems odd, take that seriously. Some examples of thoughts you might have:

This person sure talks a lot, but it's not making much sense to me/I can't seem to get a word in edgewise.

Guess what. You're not "missing" what they're saying. There's nothing to figure out there. You're not missing their point. They don't have a point. In this situation, it's your responsibility to either pause the conversation to ask for clarification or excuse yourself from the conversation altogether. It's not a conversation anyways, it's a diatribe. They're trying --either knowingly or unknowingly-- to trick you into believing they're connecting with you on some level. They are not interested in connection, they're interested in control.

This person consistently seeks me out, even though we aren't very familiar with each other yet

This is yet another strategy used by some people to make you feel relevant in their lives. It's a kind of love-bombing that, at least in my experience, is made to make you feel important to them. If you're an introvert and a loner like me, then from time to time you may, in fact, get lonely, and their attention will feel like some sort of welcome change in the pattern of your life, but be wary and be cautious. Not everyone who says to you "friend, friend" is your friend.

This person doesn't seem to ever want to end the conversation.

One of the things I really wished I'd listened to myself better on was the fact that my abuser never knew how to end a conversation. From the time we met up until it was time to go it was just an endless stream of conversation --incredibly one-sided and often about absolutely nothing at all (or at the very least, nothing I could make sense of --and remember, there's nothing to make sense of).

I'm not trying to scare anyone away from potential lifelong, fruitful friendships --quite the opposite, actually. I want to teach you to be discerning so that you don't waste ten years of your life trying to save a relationship with someone who never wants to see you grow and never truly wants to support you and who does not love you. I'm trying to give you the tools I wish I had access to.

Some of you will have the same problem that I do, though --you need to go through it to learn. For you, I'll have some words later on as well on how we can pick ourselves back up and learn how to be careful in the future without losing our ability to trust or see the best in people. I want you specifically to know that that quality you have is so special and so wonderful. You are built for deep connection and you are able to shine so brightly in dark places --but unfortunately that light is what attracts these toxic friends. That will always be a factor in your life, but you can protect your light without needing to dim it at all. I want to give you some insights that I've learned along the way that have helped me. They're simple enough, but you're going to be fighting your nature quite a bit, so in that regard they are not "easy".

I thank you for taking the time to read this. Leave me your email on the way out, and you'll get updates on this series right to your inbox. I'll never spam you with stuff you don't care about.

And if you know anyone who might benefit from my story, please share this with them. It's so important to me --especially now that I'm working with youth primarily-- to teach as many people as I can what is good and acceptable in their young friendships. I think I will probably die on that hill.

-Martina